Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California and Arizona.
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
- Castro dead at age 112.
- Last church in US converted into a Mosque.
- President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- 14 people missing in attempt send themselves over the Internet.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Apple Computer files Chapter 11 for the third time.
- Former President Obama heads Republican Party.
- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs - a new low.
- Cuba and Venezuela petitioning for US statehood, following Puerto Rico and Bahamas.
- North America Muslim prayer times deduced to only three - 10 AM, 2 PM, and 4 PM.
- Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
- Japanese scientists have created a legal camera that can see through a clothing.
- High school abortion clinics face another tight budget.
- Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter.
- Maverick gas stations expected to be open on Mondays, rebelling against the standard Tuesday and Friday openings.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Internet usage fees to double next month.
- House Speaker Pelosi enters her 17th term.
- Supreme Court upholds lower court ruling that punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 7 illegitimate children.
- New federal law would require all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what, NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or become very very scared.
We Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Us!
.
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
- Castro dead at age 112.
- Last church in US converted into a Mosque.
- President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- 14 people missing in attempt send themselves over the Internet.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Apple Computer files Chapter 11 for the third time.
- Former President Obama heads Republican Party.
- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs - a new low.
- Cuba and Venezuela petitioning for US statehood, following Puerto Rico and Bahamas.
- North America Muslim prayer times deduced to only three - 10 AM, 2 PM, and 4 PM.
- Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
- Japanese scientists have created a legal camera that can see through a clothing.
- High school abortion clinics face another tight budget.
- Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter.
- Maverick gas stations expected to be open on Mondays, rebelling against the standard Tuesday and Friday openings.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Internet usage fees to double next month.
- House Speaker Pelosi enters her 17th term.
- Supreme Court upholds lower court ruling that punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 7 illegitimate children.
- New federal law would require all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what, NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or become very very scared.
We Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Us!
.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
WALKING FLASHBACK
(Comment Replay)
In some ways, I guess there's a certain freedom in old age (haha).
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
In some ways, I guess there's a certain freedom in old age (haha).
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
Politically Speaking
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
Well, I posted it.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
Well, I posted it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
